Gregory Taylor
06-30-2005, 06:21 AM
FROM THE REJECT PILE: Smart-Ass Stuff That CYCLINGNEWS.COM Was Probably Wise Not To Print
A Sure Thing
By Greg Taylor
Psssst!
Hey you! Yes you! Over here! If I'm not mistaken -- and I'm never mistaken when it comes to spotting an honest face -- you look like the type who would be interested in a friendly sporting proposition. You know, a little flutter, a small wager, maybe the opportunity to enter a team or two in the Cyclingnews.com Tour de France fantasy cycling contest.
And would it make it more interesting if I told you that, in an attempt to repay my journalistic debt of gratitude to you, the faithful readers of Cyclingnews.com, I am prepared right now to reveal to you the identity of the rider who will win the 2005 Tour de France?
Oh, sure, the editors of this fine website have seen fit to offer "tips" and "tactics" for putting together a successful team for the upcoming Fantasy le Tour '05 from Joesa Marques, the gentleman who took second prize in last year's Fantasy le Tour. And I'm sure that his advice is eminently sound. But what I am about to offer to you, ladies and gentlemen, cannot be classified as mere "advice" or "tips." No, what I am offering to you is a sure thing.
And just how do I do it? It's simple, really.
Anagrams.
You know, anagrams. Word puzzles. Take a word, rearrange the letters, and see what other words you can make. Shuffle the letters of a rider's name and -- voila!-- you have an instant prediction about their chances in Tour.
And just how well does my system work? What!? Are you kidding me? I'm using a computer here to generate these fantastic predictions, in much the same way that your phone company uses a computer to generate those mysterious and unexplainable service charges that appear on your cell phone bill every month. In other words, it's an almost totally random process, and the results rely entirely upon the unlimited capacity of the Internet to generate spurious data and unintended irony.
Using several readily available internet-based anagram generators, the following is the result of nearly fifteen minutes of in-depth and highly scientific research conducted over my lunch hour at work. As a test, I inputted my own name -- GREG TAYLOR -- and began generating anagrams at a furious clip. The initial results validated my method and served to prove what I've long suspected: the only true mystery in this whole exercise is coming up with an explanation for why I haven't won at least seven or eight editions of the Tour at a trot:
Greg Taylor = Great Glory
However, my brief moment in the sun as the Great Lost Tour Champion abruptly came to an end when I realized that if the letters were rearranged just-ever-so-slightly you come up with a result that is, well, probably a more candid assessment of my riding abilities:
Greg Taylor = Rat Leg Orgy
Encouraged by this highly successful trial run, I turned my attention to analyzing the names of riders entered in the 2005 Tour de France. Several of the pre-race "favorites" for the overall victory were weeded out immediately from our consideration. For example, all of the signs point to the fact that it will be a bad tour for certain Spanish-speaking GC riders:
Roberto Heras = a beset horror
Well, that couldn't be any clearer, could it? Likewise,
Santiago Botero = a booger station
Ewww....boogers. That can't be good. And even if Botero does somehow score a win, just see if any of the podium girls line up to kiss him. Sweaty is one thing; snot-encrusted is a different matter entirely. On the other hand, the Basque Eusketel Euskadi team looks to be sitting pretty:
Iban Mayo = a main boy
Likwise, Bjarne Riis's Team CSC could find itself in the driver's seat this July:
Ivan Basso = Ivan a boss
Or then again, maybe not:
Ivan Basso = A vain boss
How about the big guns over at T-Mobile? Doomed. Based on my computer analysis, Jan Ullrich's chances to take the top podium spot this year can be summed up in two words: Pepto-Bismol.
Jan Ullrich = I jarl lunch
While "jarling" lunch is a new one on me -- I've personally hurled, tossed, and blown lunch at various times -- I think that we all get the gist of what's going on here. Jan Ullrich is destined to become (*urp*) a human Bratwurst Bazooka at some point during the Tour.
Things get a little weirder, a little murkier, when we take a look at the main American hopefuls. For example:
Bobby Julich = chubbily job
Ummm....right. How about Levi Leipheimer?
Levi Leipheimer = Hell! I'm eerie VIP!
Now we're getting somewhere. Leipheimer certainly qualifies as a "VIP" in anyone's book, maybe even an "eerie" VIP with that shaved dome of his. Fascinatingly, each one of the several Internet anagram-generators that I used to perform this highly-scientific analysis spit out an amazing number of possible anagrams for "Levi Leipheimer" that link him with rather angry eels. Yes, eels, those slippery and apparently malevolent denizens of the briny deep:
Levi Leipheimer = EEL PERIL! I've him...
Levi Leipheimer = EEL IMPERIL HIVE!
The saving grace for Leipheimer is that there are currently no underwater stages scheduled for this year's Tour, so the eel references might be a false alarm. However, for now I would not advise swimming.
And Lance? A seventh win isn't totally out of the picture but, to be perfectly honest, I hesitate to put down a victory for Armstrong in his farewell Tour as a "sure thing." First, there is once again the snot problem:
Lance Armstrong = CARNAL SNOT GERM
Lance Armstrong = SNOT CAR GNARL ME
"Carnal Snot Germ" sounds like a poorly translated Japanese public service announcement urging condom use, doesn't it?. However, the most telling anagram of all may be this one:
Lance Armstrong = MR. CONGA RENTALS
"Mr. Conga Rentals": it doesn't exactly strike fear into the heart, does it? Precisely my point. Lance, dude, I'm guessing that retirement really can't come quickly enough for you, can it?
Which leads me to the rider who is my personal pick to win the 2005 Tour de France. It is none other than former mountain bike star and all-around-swell-guy Floyd Landis. C'mon, this one is almost too easy. Sure, the average person could be put off by some of the more obscure combinations:
Floyd Landis = Noddy flails
Floyd Landis = Flan Sod Idly
But how can anyone ignore this:
Floyd Landis = LANDIS DO FLY
So, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it -- Flying Floyd Landis, the winner of the 2005 Tour de France. Scientifically derived, 100% accurate. Use this information to build your team for Cyclingnews.com's Fantasy le Tour '05, and you may as well start clearing off that space in your garage for your new Team Discovery Trek Madone, the top prize. That bike is as good as yours. Really.
Sign up now. It's a sure thing.
A Sure Thing
By Greg Taylor
Psssst!
Hey you! Yes you! Over here! If I'm not mistaken -- and I'm never mistaken when it comes to spotting an honest face -- you look like the type who would be interested in a friendly sporting proposition. You know, a little flutter, a small wager, maybe the opportunity to enter a team or two in the Cyclingnews.com Tour de France fantasy cycling contest.
And would it make it more interesting if I told you that, in an attempt to repay my journalistic debt of gratitude to you, the faithful readers of Cyclingnews.com, I am prepared right now to reveal to you the identity of the rider who will win the 2005 Tour de France?
Oh, sure, the editors of this fine website have seen fit to offer "tips" and "tactics" for putting together a successful team for the upcoming Fantasy le Tour '05 from Joesa Marques, the gentleman who took second prize in last year's Fantasy le Tour. And I'm sure that his advice is eminently sound. But what I am about to offer to you, ladies and gentlemen, cannot be classified as mere "advice" or "tips." No, what I am offering to you is a sure thing.
And just how do I do it? It's simple, really.
Anagrams.
You know, anagrams. Word puzzles. Take a word, rearrange the letters, and see what other words you can make. Shuffle the letters of a rider's name and -- voila!-- you have an instant prediction about their chances in Tour.
And just how well does my system work? What!? Are you kidding me? I'm using a computer here to generate these fantastic predictions, in much the same way that your phone company uses a computer to generate those mysterious and unexplainable service charges that appear on your cell phone bill every month. In other words, it's an almost totally random process, and the results rely entirely upon the unlimited capacity of the Internet to generate spurious data and unintended irony.
Using several readily available internet-based anagram generators, the following is the result of nearly fifteen minutes of in-depth and highly scientific research conducted over my lunch hour at work. As a test, I inputted my own name -- GREG TAYLOR -- and began generating anagrams at a furious clip. The initial results validated my method and served to prove what I've long suspected: the only true mystery in this whole exercise is coming up with an explanation for why I haven't won at least seven or eight editions of the Tour at a trot:
Greg Taylor = Great Glory
However, my brief moment in the sun as the Great Lost Tour Champion abruptly came to an end when I realized that if the letters were rearranged just-ever-so-slightly you come up with a result that is, well, probably a more candid assessment of my riding abilities:
Greg Taylor = Rat Leg Orgy
Encouraged by this highly successful trial run, I turned my attention to analyzing the names of riders entered in the 2005 Tour de France. Several of the pre-race "favorites" for the overall victory were weeded out immediately from our consideration. For example, all of the signs point to the fact that it will be a bad tour for certain Spanish-speaking GC riders:
Roberto Heras = a beset horror
Well, that couldn't be any clearer, could it? Likewise,
Santiago Botero = a booger station
Ewww....boogers. That can't be good. And even if Botero does somehow score a win, just see if any of the podium girls line up to kiss him. Sweaty is one thing; snot-encrusted is a different matter entirely. On the other hand, the Basque Eusketel Euskadi team looks to be sitting pretty:
Iban Mayo = a main boy
Likwise, Bjarne Riis's Team CSC could find itself in the driver's seat this July:
Ivan Basso = Ivan a boss
Or then again, maybe not:
Ivan Basso = A vain boss
How about the big guns over at T-Mobile? Doomed. Based on my computer analysis, Jan Ullrich's chances to take the top podium spot this year can be summed up in two words: Pepto-Bismol.
Jan Ullrich = I jarl lunch
While "jarling" lunch is a new one on me -- I've personally hurled, tossed, and blown lunch at various times -- I think that we all get the gist of what's going on here. Jan Ullrich is destined to become (*urp*) a human Bratwurst Bazooka at some point during the Tour.
Things get a little weirder, a little murkier, when we take a look at the main American hopefuls. For example:
Bobby Julich = chubbily job
Ummm....right. How about Levi Leipheimer?
Levi Leipheimer = Hell! I'm eerie VIP!
Now we're getting somewhere. Leipheimer certainly qualifies as a "VIP" in anyone's book, maybe even an "eerie" VIP with that shaved dome of his. Fascinatingly, each one of the several Internet anagram-generators that I used to perform this highly-scientific analysis spit out an amazing number of possible anagrams for "Levi Leipheimer" that link him with rather angry eels. Yes, eels, those slippery and apparently malevolent denizens of the briny deep:
Levi Leipheimer = EEL PERIL! I've him...
Levi Leipheimer = EEL IMPERIL HIVE!
The saving grace for Leipheimer is that there are currently no underwater stages scheduled for this year's Tour, so the eel references might be a false alarm. However, for now I would not advise swimming.
And Lance? A seventh win isn't totally out of the picture but, to be perfectly honest, I hesitate to put down a victory for Armstrong in his farewell Tour as a "sure thing." First, there is once again the snot problem:
Lance Armstrong = CARNAL SNOT GERM
Lance Armstrong = SNOT CAR GNARL ME
"Carnal Snot Germ" sounds like a poorly translated Japanese public service announcement urging condom use, doesn't it?. However, the most telling anagram of all may be this one:
Lance Armstrong = MR. CONGA RENTALS
"Mr. Conga Rentals": it doesn't exactly strike fear into the heart, does it? Precisely my point. Lance, dude, I'm guessing that retirement really can't come quickly enough for you, can it?
Which leads me to the rider who is my personal pick to win the 2005 Tour de France. It is none other than former mountain bike star and all-around-swell-guy Floyd Landis. C'mon, this one is almost too easy. Sure, the average person could be put off by some of the more obscure combinations:
Floyd Landis = Noddy flails
Floyd Landis = Flan Sod Idly
But how can anyone ignore this:
Floyd Landis = LANDIS DO FLY
So, ladies and gentlemen, there you have it -- Flying Floyd Landis, the winner of the 2005 Tour de France. Scientifically derived, 100% accurate. Use this information to build your team for Cyclingnews.com's Fantasy le Tour '05, and you may as well start clearing off that space in your garage for your new Team Discovery Trek Madone, the top prize. That bike is as good as yours. Really.
Sign up now. It's a sure thing.