This is said out of frustration and disgust. Please take it that way.

It’s not the fact that some of our sports heroes take performance enhancing substances. It’s the deceit, lies, and dirty press that goes along with it.

Why don’t we just let them pump whatever ‘roid, dope, caffeine, rocket fuel…., whatever into their systems, until their veins are surging and squirming under there skin, and their muscles are writhing and convulsing uncontrollably: finally blowing up in a finale of blood and guts. (Have you ever seen the movie “Scanners”). It'll re-level the playing field. Hell, they could carry the juice right on ‘em, feeding continuously through shunts surgically embedded in their skin. For cyclists, it would open up a whole new product line of clip on carbon ampoule and syringe holders and light weight tubing. Runners could just wear them in bandoliers slung over their shoulders. Baseballers could leave their corked bats in the locker, and simply use their bare arms to knock the “juiced up” balls outa the park. (Imagine the savings in bats alone). Drooling footballers could literally “Hulk Out” on the field. Wild eyed basketballers could fidget and twitch like squirrels, while negotiating their way to 12’ high hoops. And hockey players might become a little aggressive. (Hey, wait a minute…).

Ya know, we’d be getting the best “ARTEFICIAL SPORTS”....EVER. Records broken every time some new cocktail came out. Of course, nobody would ever be “going for six” again, because nobody’s fragile little heart would last that long. (Then again, we could go into the whole mechanical replacements/cyborg thing – but that is another discussion).

Look, we won’t get the lies, the deceit, the accusations (followed by vehement denials), the lawsuits, the press s**t-storms,…… the disappointment in our heroes. They wouldn’t be dying alone in hotel rooms, tortured by depression and guilt. Instead, we'd be proudly helicoptering them down from mountain tops in litters, like true martyrs for fame and sport. We could honor them respectfully and reverently as we bury them one at a time, remembering their super-achievements.

And...for a short time....THEY might even realize their wildest dreams of fame and fortune without the fear of getting caught.

I feel better now.

I have to say that I am a little confused on what exactly your stance is. But nice rant.

Bullhockey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I can't argue with a kid who wants to take drugs when his sports idols are doing it... not talking about dope here.

If we want people to take cycling seriously then we have to do away with the doping. period dot.

Bullhockey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I can't argue with a kid who wants to take drugs when his sports idols are doing it... not talking about dope here.

If we want people to take cycling seriously then we have to do away with the doping. period dot.

I didn't think I would have to explain that to anyone in this group.

I'm a 50yr old "kid" with a bike who wouldn't take a drug if it made me poop money. It almost killed my son. I barely take aspirin. (But I do like the brew). The title is a reference to a popular and equally satirical tune from my younger years.

I HATE that the whole culture that surrounds this performance enhancement thing. This is an exciting time of year for all of us. This stuff is like dropping your pump in your spokes. The piece was to meant spotlight the ridiculousness of it all.

Come on...Peace.

I knew it was satirical. Funny even though I may pass on watching the Tour this year. Carbon fiber EPO cages from Campagnolo! how much would they cost?!?!?
I'd like to think that Lance and the rest are clean but this really, you can't trust anyone...
I feel like my dog just told me that I'm not his best friend.

"You are very naive. Reexamine your life."
There was nothing naive whatsoever about his post. Satire precludes naivety almost by definition, doesnt it?

I just don't understand why some take such a hardcore stance on drugs. You know who you are. "Ban them for life." "The only way that this sport will get respect is if it cleans up." "There must be 0 tolerance." Oh and my favorite. "The sport needs to clean up for the sake of aspiring children; they might think it's okay to do drugs" I look at it all quite differently. There are varying degrees of misuse and abuse with anything. The athlete needs to be responsible. However, if there is such a rule that restricts certain drugs than those caught should be suspended and or fined. I feel that a maximum of a 2 year suspension should be given out to all offenders. 1 year is ideal. Their records if they happen to have any should be asterisked. Case closed. Grow up people.

Ah, but there is so much stigma with drugs, and for God’s sake let’s not forget the children. There is a dumb position taken with performance enhancing drugs that centers around morality and protection of the human body. Oh yes and the idea we give to children that it’s okay to do drugs. If there is such a rule that tries to keep the sport “pure” by banning performance enhancing drugs than it should be looked at and enforced with the same severity as let’s say a drafting penalty. The fundamental issue is that the athlete cheated and should be reasonably penalized, not banned. Wake up people. One can abuse or over do anything, but only when the substance proves to adversely affect the body and improve athletic performance is when people start taking up torches. Think about wine, drink a reasonable amount and it is healthy for you. Drink to much and sacrifice your liver. Possibly do a little EPO and it helps you more than it hurts you. However, if an athlete is an alcoholic or smokes or eats to much nobody cares. Why, well they aren’t setting any records so nobody cares. The ironic thing is that they are hurting their bodies and not living up to their full potential. I think drug rules in sports try to do the right thing, but they miss the mark due to the infinite things one can do to their own bodies. Some claim that drugs are a problem because it isn’t natural. Yeah, like sleeping in some altitude tent is. Or for that matter training 8 hours a day, or taking a smorgasbord of vitamins. I think the responsibility comes down to the athlete. If winning some race is the most important thing in the world to you than so be and shoot up. You and all of us know what will happen. You’ll win and die a lot younger. I also here people talking about giving up on believing in heroes. This is just laughable. Look, the dedication and results of the top athletes in the world are truly mind boggling, drugs or not. No one looking like Michael Moore is setting records (nothing political intended just came up with someone out of shape.) Also, if all it takes to be a hero in one's eyes is a great VO2 max and a fast time than they need drugs themselves. I like the drug laws because they try to keep the field level by banning substances that are nothing short of playing God with one’s own body. I think they should ban performance enhancing drugs that are the most harmful and test regularly. If one is caught than they get suspended and asterisked. The issue shouldn’t be drugs it should be about cheaters.