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  1. #1
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    How do you deal with...

    polyamorous relationships?

    So my best friend confided with me recently that he and his partner started dating another girl. Well, technically, it started with a threesome but they kind of all get along so they decided to continue with what they are doing. I'm just afraid that it's not a really good idea for their relationship especially that they've been together for 7 years. I know that I'm not in the right position to demand actions from them, but do you think that's possible?

  2. #2
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    Should be no problem, It's like if your brother told you he beat off to images of bald eagles, what would you do with that information? Nothing right. Same applies in this case. I guess since he confided in you then they aren't open about the relationship so let it go in one ear and out the other. Why did he feel the need to share in confidence? That's strange.

  3. #3
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    I just say; I don't care what other people are doing...none of my business
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  5. #5
    LWP
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    The open relationship and polyamorous stuff makes no sense to me. If I'm in a relationship with someone, that's the relationship. If either of us wants another person involved, we're not really in a relationship... no matter how long we were in one before one of us decided it was no longer enough.
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  6. #6
    tlg
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    How 2 or 3 or 4 adults define their relationship and commitments isn't any of your business. Wish him the best.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...polyamory-work
    If your definition of a relationship that works is one in which a couple gets legally married, has babies, and remains together in an emotionally intimate and sexually exclusive relationship until one of them dies, then no, polyamory does not work. The people involved in the relationship and the forms that polyamorous relationships take shift far too often to fit this version of working. Ironically, the high rates of divorce and infidelity indicate that the vast majority of monogamous relationships do not work this way either, and in that case they are classified as “failed” relationships or “broken” families.

    If your definition of a relationship that works is one that meets the needs of the people involved and can flex as those needs over time, then yes, polyamory works great for some people. These polys tend to emphasize emotional intimacy, mutual reliance and commitment, and their willingness to work through conflict by flexing with life transitions as key elements that help their families work.


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  7. #7
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    I was riding with a buddies girlfriend one day, she was a runner and good rider as was her boyfriend, so no big deal. Then she asked me for some advice. Seemed her BF liked to have sex while using a vibrator up his butt.

    I'm thinking like " and you are sharing this with me, beceause ?....." I replied with "You know Lori, it's only kinky the first time". Shut her right the hell up and I didn't see much of them after.

  8. #8
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    Jump on in...the more, the merrier!
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Steve B. View Post
    I was riding with a buddies girlfriend one day, she was a runner and good rider as was her boyfriend, so no big deal. Then she asked me for some advice. Seemed her BF liked to have sex while using a vibrator up his butt.

    I'm thinking like " and you are sharing this with me, beceause ?....." I replied with "You know Lori, it's only kinky the first time". Shut her right the hell up and I didn't see much of them after.
    Thanks. Now can you get back in touch with Lori and ask her to change the batteries for me? I can't reach 'em.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    Thanks. Now can you get back in touch with Lori and ask her to change the batteries for me? I can't reach 'em.
    Well, they were still married AFAIK, so maybe worked it all out.

  11. #11
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    As others have said, it's not any of our business. Different strokes for different folks. That being said, a couple's motivation for entering the lifestyle is crucial. I've known several couples who did the open relationship thing as a means of saving their marriages where they're only staying together legally for the kids. It's easier to do something like this from the beginning of a relationship and/or when you don't have kids yet.
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  12. #12
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    "So what happened?"
    "She's into it."
    "Into what?"
    "The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate's into the menage too."
    "That's unbelievable."
    "Oh, it's a scene man."
    "Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
    "What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it."
    "You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?"
    "I can't. I'm not an orgy guy."
    "Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident."
    "Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
    "If only something like that could happen to me."
    "Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."
    "I know."

  13. #13
    LWP
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    Quote Originally Posted by tlg View Post
    These polys tend to emphasize emotional intimacy, mutual reliance and commitment, and their willingness to work through conflict by flexing with life transitions as key elements that help their families work.
    I'll take your word for it but the person I'm in a relationship with wanting to fork someone else doesn't feel like "flexing with life transitions" quite covers it for me. I agree with everybody that it's their business and doesn't require comment unless they ask for it and probably not even then if he wants to keep them as friends but if my Poly want's to be amorous with anybody besides me, she can hit the highway.
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  14. #14
    LWP
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    Quote Originally Posted by jetdog9 View Post
    "So what happened?"
    "She's into it."
    "Into what?"
    "The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate's into the menage too."
    "That's unbelievable."
    "Oh, it's a scene man."
    "Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
    "What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it."
    "You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?"
    "I can't. I'm not an orgy guy."
    "Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident."
    "Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
    "If only something like that could happen to me."
    "Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."
    "I know."
    Repped.
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  15. #15
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    Step 1: do a search on how to polyamory, and do some reading. This will give you an idea of how these relationships can work, and some of the things that can go wrong.

    Step 2: be ready to be supportive of your best friend when things go good, or bad. This might include asking if he has read up on how to make such things work, and perhaps suggesting a website to him.

    That's it. That's it for most things. Learn about the thing, be ready to support your friend in their thing.

    As for if it can work, it can. But, and this is a big caveat, it requires a degree of open and honest communication, setting of boundaries, and respect of boundaries that most people have difficulty with in a dyadic relationship.
    .
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  16. #16
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    If people can make it work, good for them. I can't imagine the amount of work involved, one relationship at a time is tricky enough.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiwisimon View Post
    Should be no problem, It's like if your brother told you he beat off to images of bald eagles, what would you do with that information? Nothing right.
    That would depend on how many bald eagles I own.
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  18. #18
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    I was doing some research about polyamory and it seems that it's not that taboo at all. In fact, the creator of Wonderwoman had a polyamorous relationship himself which is quite interesting. Since my best friend isn't really asking me for help and he looks pretty normal as usual, I would assume that he knows what he is doing.

  19. #19
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    Polyamorous cyclists always wave

  20. #20
    LWP
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    Quote Originally Posted by sneertough View Post
    I was doing some research about polyamory and it seems that it's not that taboo at all.
    I don't consider it taboo. I consider it just another thing on the long list of things we give fancy sounding names to so that we can do whatever we want whenever we want. So we can have the person we want but not have to commit to them fully. Which is fine if that's what people want to do... but it's not a relationship. It's roommates with benefits.
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  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by LWP View Post
    I don't consider it taboo. I consider it just another thing on the long list of things we give fancy sounding names to so that we can do whatever we want whenever we want. So we can have the person we want but not have to commit to them fully. Which is fine if that's what people want to do... but it's not a relationship. It's roommates with benefits.
    I disagree there. Relationships are fluid dynamic things. What works for a couple in their 20's possibly won't work in their 40's. So a couple with kids a mortgage and great emotional attachment may choose to keep those things and allow some hanky panky on the side. Once upon a time spanking the monkey was considered a shameful sin but I think now most people happily concede it's a normal function. Attitudes like relationships change over time. I just don't think people need to share private stuff with ppl that aren't really affected by it.

  22. #22
    tlg
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    Quote Originally Posted by LWP View Post
    Which is fine if that's what people want to do... but it's not a relationship.
    Except it is.

    re·la·tion·ship
    rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/Submit
    noun
    the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
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  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiwisimon View Post
    ... allow some hanky panky on the side. ...
    There are plenty of poly people who are looking for full partnership with multiple others, and not just a side piece.

    From what I have seen (not that I have delved deeply in the research), those who claim to be poly only for the sexual variation tend to fail in their primary relationship. Those few it works for long term are pretty stable and secure people, who are into people as people, not sex partners. They kind of have to be, if you think about it.
    .
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  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by QuiQuaeQuod View Post
    There are plenty of poly people who are looking for full partnership with multiple others, and not just a side piece.

    From what I have seen (not that I have delved deeply in the research), those who claim to be poly only for the sexual variation tend to fail in their primary relationship. Those few it works for long term are pretty stable and secure people, who are into people as people, not sex partners. They kind of have to be, if you think about it.
    agreed. I was concentrating on the benefits a little too much too address LWPs ideas.

  25. #25
    tlg
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    Quote Originally Posted by QuiQuaeQuod View Post
    Those few it works for long term are pretty stable and secure people, who are into people as people, not sex partners. They kind of have to be, if you think about it.
    And that's no different than traditional monogamous relationships. If you're together just for the sex, it tends to fail.

    Contrary to belief, polyamory isn't about the sex.
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