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  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    14.) Q: What do older riders wear when they can no longer rock the shorts and chamois???

    A: Depends...



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    They work great with compression shorts. If you get a three pack you can match the colors to your jerseys.
    "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein

  2. #27
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    16.) Tired of the geriatric set whizzing past you on their carbon fiber wunderbikes??? Next time, throw an actuarial table in their face and cackle maniacally as they pass. You'll feel right as rain.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  3. #28
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    17. When you're pretend-racing another rider who is oblivious to your pretend race... and that rider leaves you in the dust... act like you're just doing a recovery ride and are purposely taking it easy.

  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    17. When you're pretend-racing another rider who is oblivious to your pretend race... and that rider leaves you in the dust... act like you're just doing a recovery ride and are purposely taking it easy.
    Yes.


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  5. #30
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    18.) Feeling the dreaded “bonk” coming on, or just a bit peckish on your ride? Don’t overlook roadkill. It’s nature’s Clif Bar.


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  6. #31
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    19. Rehydrating with beer after a ride is the key to championship level performance.

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    19. Rehydrating with beer after a ride is the key to championship level performance.
    Indeed!!!
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

    "that was like trying to teach a goldfish how to play basketball over the phone."

  8. #33
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    20.) A wooden bike is the only sensible choice for cold weather riding. Crash? Mechanical? Just set it ablaze while you wait for help to arrive. Carbon fiber, aluminum, steel and titanium are much harder to ignite.


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  9. #34
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    21.) Want disc brakes? Want electronic shifting? Want motor assist?

    FFS.

    Just buy the damn moped already and be done with it. C’mon, you know you want to. It's okay. The shame will probably wear off. And so what if you’ll never know the touch of a real woman? Your mother will still love you... even if she won’t be able to look you in the eyes again.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-27-2018 at 01:13 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  10. #35
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    22.) In a pinch, bubble wrap and tin foil can be crafted to make a fine substitute for a helmet. It’s not particularly breathable. But on the plus side, it does cut down on the subliminal messages the CIA broadcast directly to the medulla oblongata convincing people that the Kardashians are relevant and Brussels sprouts are edible. They’re not. They’re just not.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-27-2018 at 07:48 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  11. #36
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    23.) A scrap of Tyvek sheathing makes an excellent boot for a blown tire. Don’t have Tyvek sheathing? You’ll find it under the siding of your neighbor’s house.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-28-2018 at 07:29 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  12. #37
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    24.) Speaking of neighbors... a leisurely ride in your neighborhood will show your neighbors throw away the coolest stuff: perfectly good tools, barbecue grills, patio furniture. Sometimes you just have to be willing to go the extra mile and look in their open garages and back yards.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-28-2018 at 10:33 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  13. #38
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    25.) For leg cramps, drink pickle juice. Just don’t let your Uncle Larry trick you into believing it has to come straight from the pickle itself. “Ha, ha” Uncle Larry, that doesn’t taste anything like a pickle. You can’t fool me a fourth time.



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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  14. #39
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    26.)



    There are worse things than being labeled a “Fred”.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-28-2018 at 05:24 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  15. #40
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    27.) I read somewhere that racing isn’t about being faster. It’s about how much you’re willing to suffer. So, to keep my competitive edge, I’ll sometimes ask my dark mistress, Morgana, to scour my body with a rusty cheese grater then draw a bath of salt water and lemon juice.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-29-2018 at 02:46 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  16. #41
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    28.) There’s always someone faster. But do I have to see them on every ride???


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-29-2018 at 02:41 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  17. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    28.) There’s always someone faster. But do I have to see them on every ride???


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    Guy passed me last week, I had a 15 mph tailwind, was descending at about 25 mph. He passed me so fast I almost jumped off the bike to see what was going on and why I had stopped!
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

    "that was like trying to teach a goldfish how to play basketball over the phone."

  18. #43
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    29.) Clipless pedals/shoes are okay. But the technology is woefully underutilized. I’m working on prototypes for clipless saddles/chamois, clipless bars/gloves and, (yes, I thought of you too, tri riders) clipless arm rests/arm warmers for you time trialers. Sure, you’ll need a half mile or so advanced warning to start the process of unclipping everything, but think of the efficiency when you and your bike are finally one.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  19. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    29.) Clipless pedals are okay. But the technology is woefully underutilized. I’m working on prototypes for clipless saddles, clipless bars and, (yes, I thought of you too, tri riders) clipless arm rests for you time trialers. Sure, you’ll need a half mile or so advanced warning to start the process of unclipping everything, but think of the efficiency when you and your bike are finally one.
    You got a LOT of free time this summer don't you?

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Touch0Gray View Post
    You got a LOT of free time this summer don't you?
    Well... “working on” is a relative term...


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  21. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    Well... “working on” is a relative term...


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    Exactly, no more yard work or remodeling!

    Yes I'm sure, that doesn't mean I'm right.
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

    "that was like trying to teach a goldfish how to play basketball over the phone."

  22. #47
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    30.) Don’t waste your money on expensive sports energy drinks. You can make your own at home with a simple recipe:

    Water
    Sugar Free Kool-Aid (any flavor)
    Sugar or artificial sweetener (for the calorie conscious)
    Salt (with potassium)
    Methamphetamine (to taste)

    Also makes a good pick-me-up recovery drink after a long ride. And when your teeth begin to loosen, see #12 above.



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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-30-2018 at 04:05 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  23. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    30.) Don’t waste your money on expensive sports energy drinks. You can make your own at home with a simple recipe:

    Water
    Sugar Free Kool-Aid (any flavor)
    Sugar or artificial sweetener (for the calorie conscious)
    Salt (with potassium)
    Methamphetamine (to taste)

    Also makes a good pick-me-up recovery drink after a long ride.



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    Not sugar free..... Gak! Lots of sugar and copious amounts of vodka
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

    "that was like trying to teach a goldfish how to play basketball over the phone."

  24. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    29.) Clipless pedals/shoes are okay. But the technology is woefully underutilized. I’m working on prototypes for clipless saddles/chamois, clipless bars/gloves and, (yes, I thought of you too, tri riders) clipless arm rests/arm warmers for you time trialers. Sure, you’ll need a half mile or so advanced warning to start the process of unclipping everything, but think of the efficiency when you and your bike are finally one.
    Clipless bar stools would be a welcome innovation for dive bars.

  25. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    Clipless bar stools would be a welcome innovation for dive bars.
    Being clipped into a bar stool is not such a good idea. I had my feet locked around the foot bar rail once and forgot after a while..... it was wierd going to walk away and my feet didn't!
    BANNED

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