Jokes: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - Page 2
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  1. #26
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    So, it is your sworn testimony that unlike every other witness in this trial, you heard two bullets when they heard only one?

    Yes, that is my sworn testimony.

    And how do you account for this discrepancy?

    Well I heard one bullet when it passed me, and I heard it again when I passed it.

  2. #27
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    Who doesn't love Richard Pryor?

    Mudbone & Toodlum were crossing the Golden Gate Bridge and seeing all that water made them wanna pee so they whipped it out and started going.

    Mudbone: DAMN!!! That water's COLD!


    Toodlums: Yeah, and its DEEP too.


    LANGUAGE AND PC FAIL but one of the top ten standups in history (at least according to me)

    https://youtu.be/MlEw5xH4OgY


    I grew up with a Ms Rudolph round the corner.

  3. #28
    Sweet Potato Kugel
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    Quote Originally Posted by nOOky View Post
    Here you go, not my work though.
    This is a great read for children on a long drive. And yes I just read it. LOL

    Author by ArmyNibot

  4. #29
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    Dale Evens was tired of her cowboy boots so Roy got her a nice pair of pumps for her birthday. She was so happy that she immediately put them on and wore them the rest of the day. She inadvertently stepped in something that she didn't want to track into the ranch house and left her shoes on the porch over night. First thing in the morning Dale ran to the porch for her shoes, but they were destroyed.

    She ran back in the house for Roy, "my shoes are ruined", she sobbed bringing Roy out to the porch. Roy took a couple of minutes to look around the porch to try and see what happened, turned to Dale and said "it looks like a mountain lion was here and chewed up your shoes".

    Dale turned and ran into the ranch house, grabbed Roy's Winchester out of the rifle safe, threw the rifle into Roy's hands and told Roy, "don't come back until you've killed that Puma".

    Roy saddled Trigger stuck the Winchester into the rifle scabbard, found the mountain lions trail and headed off following the trail towards the mountains in the distance. Dale made a pot of coffee, poured a cup and settled in on the porch to wait for Roy's return. It had to be at least twelve hours later that Pat came to Dale and said "That looks like Roy riding up now". Dale looked and, yes, it was Roy.

    Roy rode Trigger up to the porch and Dale ran over to Roy and Trigger. There was a dead and bloodied Puma draped over Triggers haunches and Dale asked,

    "Pardon me Roy,
    is that the cat
    that chewed the new shoes?".
    Too old to ride plastic

  5. #30
    Sweet Potato Kugel
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    By REEKO

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were hunting in the swamp. Boudreaux says “Man, Tib, I gotta poop real bad, but I forgot the paper.”

    Thibodeaux said, “Well, just do what I do. Use a dollar.”

    Boudreaux walks off behind a cypress tree for 30 minutes. When he comes back, his hands are covered in feces.

    Thibodeaux said “What took you so long? Didn’t you use a dollar like I told you?”

    Boudreaux said “Have you ever tried to wipe your butt with 3 quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?”
    In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
    Ben Franklin -Tis curious and amazing to observe how distinct and independent of each other the rattles of this animal are, and yet how firmly they are united together

  6. #31
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    Not really a joke, more in the line of interesting facts.

    "The average human body contains just enough bones to make a complete skeleton"

  7. #32
    Schuylkill Trail Bum
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eretz View Post
    By REEKO

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were hunting in the swamp. Boudreaux says “Man, Tib, I gotta poop real bad, but I forgot the paper.”

    Thibodeaux said, “Well, just do what I do. Use a dollar.”

    Boudreaux walks off behind a cypress tree for 30 minutes. When he comes back, his hands are covered in feces.

    Thibodeaux said “What took you so long? Didn’t you use a dollar like I told you?”

    Boudreaux said “Have you ever tried to wipe your butt with 3 quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?”

  8. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by xxl View Post
    This joke might nail all three style points at once.
    Yup.



    Attached Images Attached Images
    In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
    Ben Franklin -Tis curious and amazing to observe how distinct and independent of each other the rattles of this animal are, and yet how firmly they are united together

  9. #34
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    Is there anyone left who hasn't heard this?

    Many years ago an Englishman was traveling in the Australian Outback. Through a series of accidents he lost his horse and his provisions. He soldiered on as best he could, certain his remaining days would be very few. On the second day he was already badly sunburned, reduced to staggering, and barely able to see. But it seemed to him there was a low building in the distance. With the last of his strength he made for it, and just before he passed out he was able to read a small sign in front: SISTERS of MERCY RESCUE MISSION.

    When he awoke again it was like heaven compared to the desert. He was indoors in a bed with soft sheets. Due to its thick stone walls the building was wonderfully cool. The Sisters of Mercy had indeed found him in time and were nursing him back to health.

    Some weeks later he was much better, and he asked to speak with the Mother Superior. “Mother Superior, I thank you and the sisters for my life. I’m ready to leave now, but I’ll never forget you.”

    “Thank you, my son. We have but done our duty according to our vows. Tell me, is there anything else we can do for you?”

    “I scarcely feel I should mention it, but as an Englishman I love my tea. I’ve had not a drop since I lost my supplies all that time ago. Is there any kind of tea you can make for me?”

    “Why, yes, my son. It would delight us to give you this. I’ll pass the word immediately.”

    Tea was soon served, but it was rather strange. “You see, my son, we have no true tea here in the Outback. This is a kind of brew we make from the koala bear.”

    The tea was in fact rather nasty. It had globs of fat floating on top, and there were hairs all through it. As polite and as grateful as he was, the Englishman had so looked forward to tea that he could not contain his disappointment.

    “Ugh, this is bloody awful! You could at least have strained out these disgusting hairs!” he shouted.

    The Mother Superior was shocked. She drew herself up and spoke severely. “My son! The Koala Tea of Mercy is NEVER Strained!”

  10. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by velodog View Post
    "Pardon me Roy,
    is that the cat
    that chewed the new shoes?".

    Kids today are clueless to Roy, Dale, Trigger and Nellybell, the jeep... nor what a Chattanooga Choo Choo means... "Grandpa is babbling nonesense again... something about Pumas or Addidas or Nikes"

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