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  1. #51
    Schuylkill Trail Bum
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    Quote Originally Posted by duriel View Post
    Being clipped into a bar stool is not such a good idea. I had my feet locked around the foot bar rail once and forgot after a while..... it was wierd going to walk away and my feet didn't!
    Some of my bright ideas are suboptimal.

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    17. When you're pretend-racing another rider who is oblivious to your pretend race... and that rider leaves you in the dust... act like you're just doing a recovery ride and are purposely taking it easy.
    Of course, the opposite also holds true:

    31.) When you see a rider in the distance gaining on you, that's the time to put the hammer down. Bury yourself. Honor the yellow jersey and defend against the attack. Never mind that the "attack" is probably just Herman... an octogenarian on a rusty Schwinn out for his morning constitutional. Victory is victory.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    Of course, the opposite also holds true:

    31.) When you see a rider in the distance gaining on you, that's the time to put the hammer down. Bury yourself. Honor the yellow jersey and defend against the attack. Never mind that the "attack" is probably just Herman... an octogenarian on a rusty Schwinn out for his morning constitutional. Victory is victory.
    31a.) If you put the hammer down and the rider is still gaining on you, slow down and begin to engage in some activity: grab your water bottle and take a much needed drink, or fidget with your computer, or adjust your helmet or your other "equipment" in your shorts... so when the octogenarian passes you, it will look to the untrained eye like you were not riding hard... you were just lollygagging along, taking care of business.

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    31a.) If you put the hammer down and the rider is still gaining on you, slow down and begin to engage in some activity: grab your water bottle and take a much needed drink, or fidget with your computer, or adjust your helmet or your other "equipment" in your shorts... so when the octogenarian passes you, it will look to the untrained eye like you were not riding hard... you were just lollygagging along, taking care of business.
    May we all live long enough to be Herman someday...
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  5. #55
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    32.) Finding the right saddle is always tricky. You want something relatively stiff that also conforms to your shape. I tried them all, but nothing beats a 1X4 and a few cans of Play-Doh.



    Step A.) Bolt the board to the seat post.
    Step B.) Pile the Play-Doh on top.
    Step C.) Strip at the waist.
    Step D.) Coat your nether region with a generous portion of cooking spray. (Pro Tip: get a “buddy” to help in order to ensure full coverage all the way up.)
    Step E.) Then... just ease down onto the Doh. I recommend a gentle twisting motion. The Doh will conform to all your nooks and crannies and make a custom saddle surface just for you. The cooking spray allows for a clean release (or anything else you and your “buddy” are into... no judgments)

    The point is, all it takes is a few bucks... some ingenuity... and a sense of adventure and you too can have a customized ride.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-06-2018 at 06:14 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  6. #56
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    And now it's time to take a question from the mailbag:
    ------------------
    Dear Opus,

    What the hell is this?

    Signed,
    Pedalphile

    -------------------
    Dear Pedalphile,

    Good question! By "this" I assume you're asking about this thread rather than some growth that's suddenly appeared on your person. For that, of course, I'm going to need pictures... and a basic understanding of dermatology. If it's the thread, imagine the Hints from Heloise lady

    and Sheldon Brown

    had what I can only assume would be a very talented, but tragically unattractive love child... who then grew up and molested Jack Handy

    It's pretty much like that.

    XXOO,
    Opus
    ----------------
    Last edited by Opus51569; 09-09-2018 at 05:53 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  7. #57
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    33.) Never put anything in a jersey pocket that could impale you in the event of a crash.

    I like JELL-O.

    “There’s always room for JELL-O.”


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-08-2018 at 04:42 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  8. #58
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    34.) I’ve got half a mind to stop wearing helmets altogether... wait... no... I’ve got half a mind because I stopped wearing helmets altogether... Sorry. I get confused.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-10-2018 at 07:18 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  9. #59
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    35.) I don't always breathe through my mouth when I ride. But when I do, I inhale a bug.

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    35.) I don't always breathe through my mouth when I ride. But when I do, I inhale a bug.
    Just think of it as free protein.


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  11. #61
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    Last edited by SPlKE; 08-14-2018 at 07:08 AM. Reason: I had to change the URL for the picture.

  12. #62
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    36.) Hydration shmydration... less liquid = less weight. Not to mention, the less you drink, the less you have to sweat. Mild heat stroke, managed properly, can create a pleasant dissociative euphoria. And hey, kidneys are much easier to score on the black market than they used to be.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-11-2018 at 05:07 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  13. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    36.) Hydration shmydration... less liquid = less weight. Not to mention, the less you drink, the less you have to sweat. Mild heat stroke, managed properly, can create a pleasant dissociative euphoria. And hey, kidneys are much easier to score on the black market than they used to be.
    36a.) Hydration shmydration (subsection a)... If you have to pee at any point during any ride, no matter how long you've been riding, you're over-hydrating.

  14. #64
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    36a.) Hydration shmydration (subsection a)... If you have to pee at any point during any ride, no matter how long you've been riding, you're over-hydrating.
    Agreed.

    36b.) But if you do have to pee at any point during any ride, try to pee on a chipmunk... because those darting little f#ckers deserve it.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-11-2018 at 01:29 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  15. #65
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    37.) Speaking of pee... Peeing while you ride is an acquired skill. As with any skill it takes dedication and practice. Fortunately, the summer months provide the opportunity to wear shorts virtually anywhere, so you can practice surreptitiously urinating on-the-go in a host of different places: public parks... along the cooridor outside the boss’ office... or a lightly traveled aisle in the grocery store. I call it the "3Ws": Walk, Whip and Whiz and it's an excellent way to hone your skills.
    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-14-2018 at 10:55 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  16. #66
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    I can't REP anyone in this thread, sadly.

    I'm a bib guy. myself. Always have been.



    https://nuunlife.com/blog/why-cyclists-wear-bib-shorts/
    In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
    Ben Franklin -Tis curious and amazing to observe how distinct and independent of each other the rattles of this animal are, and yet how firmly they are united together
    -


  17. #67
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    It’s the thought that counts.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  18. #68
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    38.) The most important part of any kit: sunglasses. Why? Anonymity. I mean, let’s face it, between the helmet and all the lycra, most cyclists look like a mentally challenged dancer with the Ballet Trocadero. A little anonymity isn’t a bad thing.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-13-2018 at 02:51 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  19. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post

    I'm going to add this quote to my signature.

  20. #70
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    39.) Tired of sweating like a pig on every summer ride? Enjoy riding in the rain, but want to avoid the potential danger of wet roads??? Put a spin bike in your shower. Yeah, you're welcome.
    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-16-2018 at 11:42 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  21. #71
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    40.) But, Opus, why should I follow your advice???



    That’s why.

    *mic drop*


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-21-2018 at 06:41 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  22. #72
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    41.) Have trouble getting up for that early-morning ride? Set all the clocks in your house back 4 or 5 hours before you hit the hay. Then, whenever you get up, it'll be an early morning ride.
    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-21-2018 at 06:49 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  23. #73
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    42.) Sorry. What was the question???*

    *R.I.P. Douglas Adams
    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-22-2018 at 04:14 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  24. #74
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    43.) Holding on to your team car at speed while you get a gel, or race information can be a delicate dance. Around here I practice by grabbing the side of Myrtle’s ‘86 Buick LeSabre any time I catch her at a stoplight. Oh, she screamed bloody murder the first 50 or 60 times, and tried to run me under her wheels more than once. But now she just hands me a “sticky bottle” and warns me if the Commissaires are watching.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 08-24-2018 at 04:16 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy... wait.

  25. #75
    Seat's not level
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    3.) Applying Crack Spackle is not the time for thoughtful introspection. One poorly timed, “Hmmmm.” while slathering butter on your junk can so easily be misconstrued as public lewdness.

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    fixed...

    If you are one of those, don't get your hands dirty types... put a pair of nitrile gloves in your saddle bag. Use them when changing a flat,rollup the flat tube, then hold the flat in the gloved hand, and pull the glove off you hand and over the tube. Then you can stuff it in a jersey and it won't get everything dirty.
    Bad decisions make great stories - JP

    Spring is here... snowflakes are melting.

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