• 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    For those who have matriculated beyond the advice of Beginner’s Corner...

    1.) When delivering a snot rocket, it helps to do so while singing the three note jingle for:
    https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...99f0290298.jpg
    in your head. [emoji445]Snot Rock-ets![emoji445] I should say, it helps you... the person behind you still thinks it’s totally gross.

    2.) “Patchy Fog” is a pleasant meteorological euphemism for 100% humidity. Don’t be fooled, sheeple. Patchy fog evokes an image of strolling down a cobbled street in Merry Olde England with a comely strumpet on each arm. 100% humidity, on the other hand, connotes crotch rot in a god-forsaken jungle.

    3.) Applying chamois cream is not the time for thoughtful introspection. One poorly timed, “Hmmmm.” while slathering butter on your junk can so easily be misconstrued as public lewdness.

    Share your wisdom, lownje denizens. The next generation is counting on you.


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  • 07-23-2018
    SPlKE
    - ♫ Snot Rock-ets! ♫

    - a comely strumpet on each arm

    - slathering butter on your junk


    Where else but here on the internet are you going to find such well curated NNC wisdom?
  • 07-23-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    - ♫ Snot Rock-ets! ♫

    - a comely strumpet on each arm

    - slathering butter on your junk


    Where else but here on the internet are you going to find such well curated NNC wisdom?

    I nominate opus for lounge sage in chief. All in favor say aye.
  • 07-23-2018
    LWP
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Touch0Gray View Post
    I nominate opus for lounge sage in chief. All in favor say aye.

    https://s33.postimg.cc/u5uum8rsf/ayyy123.jpg

    [email protected] I mean "aye"... always mess that up.
  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    4.) In a paceline, the order has nothing to do with speed or strength. It’s all about proximity to your last meal at Taco Bell. If it’s been a few days, you can pull at the front with reasonable safety. If you had a Burrito Supreme for lunch... expect your ass to stay at the back. Try to jump the line, and your friends will drop you like third-period French.

    5.) Mold in your bottles??? Once a week or so, try substituting Everclear for water on your ride. Just make sure to invest in a good computer with GPS, so you can see where you rode once you sober up. Maybe a little extra cash for bail money...
  • 07-23-2018
    Retro Grouch
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.
  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.

    I don’t know, Retro... that’s teetering precariously on being actually useful advice. :)


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  • 07-23-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by LWP View Post

    Silly Canadians
  • 07-23-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.

    THAT is a mistake a guy only makes 2 or 3 times
  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    6.) If your riding buddy is attacked by a spitting cobra, wrestle him to the ground and defecate on his eyes... or is it urinate??? Hmmm. Better do both. You might want to vomit on him also just to be safe.


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  • 07-23-2018
    LWP
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Touch0Gray View Post
    Silly Canadians

    It's "eh" in Canadian.
  • 07-23-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by LWP View Post
    It's "eh" in Canadian.

    It truly sucks that i cannot rep any of your clowns! (nor bench press)
  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    Speaking of suck...

    7.) When you suck somebody’s wheel, the transitive law of STDs says you are technically sucking every wheel that they’ve ever sucked. That’s why instead of tire sealant I use spermicidal jelly and put condoms on all my valve stems. You can’t be too safe.


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  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    8.) Worried about what to carry on your ride??? Don’t over-think it. The only tool you really need to carry on your bike is a loaded pistol. Just wave that at any other passing cyclist and they’ll be tickled pink to give you anything else you might need: a spare tube, a water bottle, a cell phone, cash, their bike, their spouse, etc.


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  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    9.) Cycling at high speed on the MUT is dangerous. To alleviate the stress, make a game out of it. Run over a jogger - 20pts. Mow down a baby in a stroller - 50pts.


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  • 07-23-2018
    Retro Grouch
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    9.) Cycling at high speed on the MUT is dangerous. To alleviate the stress, make a game out of it. Run over a jogger - 20pts. Mow down a baby in a stroller - 50pts.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

    Sorta like this?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGhu5Zl5ry8
  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    10.) If a motorist harasses you on the road, don’t engage them. Better just to take down their license plate number... bribe someone at the DMV for their address... and burn down their house while they’re sleeping. They’ll think twice before harassing another cyclist.


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  • 07-23-2018
    Opus51569
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post

    Exactly! [emoji106]


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  • 07-24-2018
    Touch0Gray
    And to think, I almost didn't open this thread because I prefer bibs to shorts.
  • 07-24-2018
    SPlKE
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.

    I second this one.

    It took me a few times to work out the unfortunate physics involved before I stopped doing this.
  • 07-24-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    11.) When overtaking a cyclist or a pedestrian, common courtesy dictates a bell ring, or a hearty “On Your Left”. But common courtesy died in November of 2016, so now it’s okay to just scream “OUT OF MY WAY, YOU DECREPIT SACK OF S#IT!!!”


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  • 07-24-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    12.) To save weight and increase aerodynamics, try drilling large holes in your carbon frames and forks. Also, consider going to an 8-spoke wheel. You’ll be screaming down the road in no time.*

    *This helpful tip sponsored by:

    Maury’s Dental Emporium.
    [emoji445]”Smile lookin’ sorry? Just call Maury”[emoji445]

    (Wherever fine dental implants are sold.)


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  • 07-24-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    13.) Light. Strong. Cheap.

    Pick two... you fat, weak, broke-ass bastard!


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  • 07-24-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    14.) Q: What do older riders wear when they can no longer rock the shorts and chamois???

    A: Depends...
    https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...6a9e9b79ba.jpg


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  • 07-24-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    15.) Sure, you can spend $300 on a fancy set of lights for your ride... ooorrrr... you can buy 300 lazer pointers from The Dollar Store. I know which one I’m getting... and soon everyone else in a 5 mile radius will, too.


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  • 07-24-2018
    bigrider
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    14.) Q: What do older riders wear when they can no longer rock the shorts and chamois???

    A: Depends...
    https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...6a9e9b79ba.jpg


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

    They work great with compression shorts. If you get a three pack you can match the colors to your jerseys.
  • 07-25-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    Speaking of the old and infirm...

    16.) Tired of the geriatric set whizzing past you on their carbon fiber wunderbikes??? Next time, throw an actuarial table in their face and cackle maniacally as they pass. You'll feel right as rain.
  • 07-25-2018
    SPlKE
    17. When you're pretend-racing another rider who is oblivious to your pretend race... and that rider leaves you in the dust... act like you're just doing a recovery ride and are purposely taking it easy.
  • 07-25-2018
    Opus51569
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    17. When you're pretend-racing another rider who is oblivious to your pretend race... and that rider leaves you in the dust... act like you're just doing a recovery ride and are purposely taking it easy.

    Yes. [emoji106]


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  • 07-25-2018
    Opus51569
    18.) Feeling the dreaded “bonk” coming on, or just a bit peckish on your ride? Don’t overlook roadkill. It’s nature’s Clif Bar.


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  • 07-26-2018
    SPlKE
    19. Rehydrating with beer after a ride is the key to championship level performance.
  • 07-26-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    19. Rehydrating with beer after a ride is the key to championship level performance.

    Indeed!!!
  • 07-26-2018
    Opus51569
    20.) A wooden bike is the only sensible choice for cold weather riding. Crash? Mechanical? Just set it ablaze while you wait for help to arrive. Carbon fiber, aluminum, steel and titanium are much harder to ignite.


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  • 07-26-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    21.) Want disc brakes? Want electronic shifting? Want motor assist?

    FFS.
    https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...97eaf9cc9e.jpg
    Just buy the damn moped already and be done with it. C’mon, you know you want to. It's okay. The shame will probably wear off. And so what if you’ll never know the touch of a real woman? Your mother will still love you... even if she won’t be able to look you in the eyes again.


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  • 07-27-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    22.) In a pinch, bubble wrap and tin foil can be crafted to make a fine substitute for a helmet. It’s not particularly breathable. But on the plus side, it does cut down on the subliminal messages the CIA broadcast directly to the medulla oblongata convincing people that the Kardashians are relevant and Brussels sprouts are edible. They’re not. They’re just not.


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  • 07-27-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    23.) A scrap of Tyvek sheathing makes an excellent boot for a blown tire. Don’t have Tyvek sheathing? You’ll find it under the siding of your neighbor’s house.


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  • 07-28-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    24.) Speaking of neighbors... a leisurely ride in your neighborhood will show your neighbors throw away the coolest stuff: perfectly good tools, barbecue grills, patio furniture. Sometimes you just have to be willing to go the extra mile and look in their open garages and back yards.


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  • 07-28-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    25.) For leg cramps, drink pickle juice. Just don’t let your Uncle Larry get you a little tipsy and convince you it has to be sucked straight from the pickle itself. “Oh, ha, ha Uncle Larry! That doesn’t taste anything like a pickle. You can’t fool me a fourth time.


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  • 07-28-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
  • 07-29-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    27.) I read somewhere that racing isn’t about being faster. It’s about how much you’re willing to suffer. So, to keep my competitive edge, I’ll sometimes ask my dark mistress, Morgana, to scour my body with a rusty cheese grater then draw a bath of salt water and lemon juice.


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  • 07-29-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    28.) There’s always someone faster. But do I have to see them on every ride???


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  • 07-29-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    28.) There’s always someone faster. But do I have to see them on every ride???


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    Guy passed me last week, I had a 15 mph tailwind, was descending at about 25 mph. He passed me so fast I almost jumped off the bike to see what was going on and why I had stopped!
  • 07-30-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    29.) Clipless pedals/shoes are okay. But the technology is woefully underutilized. I’m working on prototypes for clipless saddles/chamois, clipless bars/gloves and, (yes, I thought of you too, tri riders) clipless arm rests/arm warmers for you time trialers. Sure, you’ll need a half mile or so advanced warning to start the process of unclipping everything, but think of the efficiency when you and your bike are finally one.
  • 07-30-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    29.) Clipless pedals are okay. But the technology is woefully underutilized. I’m working on prototypes for clipless saddles, clipless bars and, (yes, I thought of you too, tri riders) clipless arm rests for you time trialers. Sure, you’ll need a half mile or so advanced warning to start the process of unclipping everything, but think of the efficiency when you and your bike are finally one.

    You got a LOT of free time this summer don't you?
  • 07-30-2018
    Opus51569
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Touch0Gray View Post
    You got a LOT of free time this summer don't you?

    Well... “working on” is a relative term... :)


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  • 07-30-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    Well... “working on” is a relative term... :)


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

    Exactly, no more yard work or remodeling!

    Yes I'm sure, that doesn't mean I'm right.
  • 07-30-2018
    Opus51569
    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
    30.) Don’t waste your money on expensive sports energy drinks. You can make your own at home with a simple recipe:

    Water
    Sugar Free Kool-Aid (any flavor)
    Sugar or artificial sweetener (for the calorie conscious)
    Salt (with potassium)
    Methamphetamine (to taste)

    Also makes a good pick-me-up recovery drink after a long ride. And when your teeth begin to loosen, see #12 above.



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  • 07-30-2018
    Touch0Gray
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    30.) Don’t waste your money on expensive sports energy drinks. You can make your own at home with a simple recipe:

    Water
    Sugar Free Kool-Aid (any flavor)
    Sugar or artificial sweetener (for the calorie conscious)
    Salt (with potassium)
    Methamphetamine (to taste)

    Also makes a good pick-me-up recovery drink after a long ride.



    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

    Not sugar free..... Gak! Lots of sugar and copious amounts of vodka
  • 07-31-2018
    SPlKE
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    29.) Clipless pedals/shoes are okay. But the technology is woefully underutilized. I’m working on prototypes for clipless saddles/chamois, clipless bars/gloves and, (yes, I thought of you too, tri riders) clipless arm rests/arm warmers for you time trialers. Sure, you’ll need a half mile or so advanced warning to start the process of unclipping everything, but think of the efficiency when you and your bike are finally one.

    Clipless bar stools would be a welcome innovation for dive bars.
  • 07-31-2018
    duriel
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    Clipless bar stools would be a welcome innovation for dive bars.

    Being clipped into a bar stool is not such a good idea. I had my feet locked around the foot bar rail once and forgot after a while..... it was wierd going to walk away and my feet didn't!