Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style
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  1. #1
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    For those who have matriculated beyond the advice of Beginner’s Corner...

    1.) When delivering a snot rocket, it helps to do so while singing the three note jingle for:

    in your head. Snot Rock-ets! I should say, it helps you... the person behind you still thinks it’s totally gross.

    2.) “Patchy Fog” is a pleasant meteorological euphemism for 100% humidity. Don’t be fooled, sheeple. Patchy fog evokes an image of strolling down a cobbled street in Merry Olde England with a comely strumpet on each arm. 100% humidity, on the other hand, connotes crotch rot in a god-forsaken jungle.

    3.) Applying chamois cream is not the time for thoughtful introspection. One poorly timed, “Hmmmm.” while slathering butter on your junk can so easily be misconstrued as public lewdness.

    Share your wisdom, lownje denizens. The next generation is counting on you.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-23-2018 at 09:15 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  2. #2
    Schuylkill Trail Bum
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    - ♫ Snot Rock-ets! ♫

    - a comely strumpet on each arm

    - slathering butter on your junk


    Where else but here on the internet are you going to find such well curated NNC wisdom?

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPlKE View Post
    - ♫ Snot Rock-ets! ♫

    - a comely strumpet on each arm

    - slathering butter on your junk


    Where else but here on the internet are you going to find such well curated NNC wisdom?
    I nominate opus for lounge sage in chief. All in favor say aye.
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  4. #4
    LWP
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    Quote Originally Posted by Touch0Gray View Post
    I nominate opus for lounge sage in chief. All in favor say aye.


    [email protected] I mean "aye"... always mess that up.
    Crusty old farts are people too.
    - 10ae1203

  5. #5
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    4.) In a paceline, the order has nothing to do with speed or strength. It’s all about proximity to your last meal at Taco Bell. If it’s been a few days, you can pull at the front with reasonable safety. If you had a Burrito Supreme for lunch... expect your ass to stay at the back. Try to jump the line, and your friends will drop you like third-period French.

    5.) Mold in your bottles??? Once a week or so, try substituting Everclear for water on your ride. Just make sure to invest in a good computer with GPS, so you can see where you rode once you sober up. Maybe a little extra cash for bail money...
    Last edited by Opus51569; 12-24-2018 at 08:00 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  6. #6
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    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.
    I don’t know, Retro... that’s teetering precariously on being actually useful advice.


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by LWP View Post


    [email protected] I mean "aye"... always mess that up.
    Silly Canadians
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.
    THAT is a mistake a guy only makes 2 or 3 times
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  10. #10
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    6.) If your riding buddy is attacked by a spitting cobra, wrestle him to the ground and defecate on his eyes... or is it urinate??? Hmmm. Better do both. You might want to vomit on him also just to be safe.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 03-30-2019 at 02:09 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  11. #11
    LWP
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    Quote Originally Posted by Touch0Gray View Post
    Silly Canadians
    It's "eh" in Canadian.
    Crusty old farts are people too.
    - 10ae1203

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by LWP View Post
    It's "eh" in Canadian.
    It truly sucks that i cannot rep any of your clowns! (nor bench press)
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  13. #13
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    Speaking of suck...

    7.) When you suck somebody’s wheel, the transitive law of STDs says you are technically sucking every wheel that they’ve ever sucked. That’s why instead of tire sealant I use spermicidal jelly and put condoms on all my valve stems. You can’t be too safe.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 12-24-2018 at 08:08 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  14. #14
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    8.) Worried about what to carry on your ride??? Don’t over-think it. The only tool you really need to carry on your bike is a loaded pistol. Just wave that at any other passing cyclist and they’ll be tickled pink to give you anything else you might need: a spare tube, a water bottle, a cell phone, cash, their bike, their spouse, etc.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 12-24-2018 at 08:10 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  15. #15
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    9.) Cycling at high speed on the MUT is dangerous. To alleviate the stress, make a game out of it. Run over a jogger - 20pts. Mow down a baby in a stroller - 50pts.


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opus51569 View Post
    9.) Cycling at high speed on the MUT is dangerous. To alleviate the stress, make a game out of it. Run over a jogger - 20pts. Mow down a baby in a stroller - 50pts.


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    Sorta like this?


  17. #17
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    10.) If a motorist harasses you on the road, don’t engage them. Better just to take down their license plate number... bribe someone at the DMV for their address... and burn down their house while they’re sleeping. They’ll think twice before harassing another cyclist.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 12-25-2018 at 10:48 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    Sorta like this?

    Exactly!


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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  19. #19
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    And to think, I almost didn't open this thread because I prefer bibs to shorts.
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  20. #20
    Schuylkill Trail Bum
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    Quote Originally Posted by Retro Grouch View Post
    If your bar end plug is starting to slip out, avoid trying to slap it back into place while riding.

    Trust me on this one.
    I second this one.

    It took me a few times to work out the unfortunate physics involved before I stopped doing this.

  21. #21
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    11.) When overtaking a cyclist or a pedestrian, common courtesy dictates a bell ring, or a hearty “On Your Left”. But common courtesy died in November of 2016, so now it’s okay to just scream “OUT OF MY WAY, YOU DECREPIT SACK OF S#IT!!!”


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-24-2018 at 11:04 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  22. #22
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    12.) To save weight and increase aerodynamics, try drilling large holes in your carbon frames and forks. Also, consider going to an 8-spoke wheel. You’ll be screaming down the road in no time.*

    *This helpful tip sponsored by:

    Maury’s Dental Emporium.
    ”Smile lookin’ sorry? Just call Maury”

    (Wherever fine dental implants are sold.)


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 12-25-2018 at 11:00 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  23. #23
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    13.) Light. Strong. Cheap.

    Pick two... you fat, weak, broke-ass bastard!


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 12-25-2018 at 11:02 AM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  24. #24
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    14.) Q: What do older riders wear when they can no longer rock the shorts and chamois???

    A: Depends...



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    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

  25. #25
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    Lownje Shorts - NNC wisdom Lownje Style

    15.) Sure, you can spend $300 on a fancy set of lights for your ride... ooorrrr... you can buy 300 lazer pointers from The Dollar Store. I know which one I’m getting... and soon everyone else in a 5 mile radius will, too.


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    Last edited by Opus51569; 07-24-2018 at 03:57 PM.
    The Law of Headwinds states: If the ride out is easy you better leave something in the tank for the turn...

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