Need Marital advice......
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  1. #1
    Scary Teddy Bear
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    Need Marital advice......

    Okay, I have the sneaking suspicion, I am heading for the Big "D". Here's the story...

    Last fall, when I had my surgery, I asked my mom if she could come to help my wife with the baby, well, my wife says she had explicity said "NO" in no uncertain terms. But I don't know if it was the anesthesia or all of the narcotics or what, but I remember a phone call with my wife, where she said it would be okay to have her come out....anyway, long story short, my mom and grandma come out, get lost trying to find the hospital, and according to my wife, did very little to help. She claims they made no effort to come back to the hospital to see me after they got lost the first time, and that all they did at the house is sleep...now, I have asked my mom about this, and she said they were keeping the baby downstairs and getting up with her all night, so yeah, they were tired and sleeping during the day. My wife says that's no excuse, they shouldn't have come if all they were going to do was sleep. She was absolutely livid with me for having them come out, after she says she explicity said no....she denies the phone call that I remember. After this, she is adamant that I confront my mother and tell her how lazy and incompetent she is. I refuse, I thought the fact that she drove 700 miles to try and help was a nice gesture.

    Three weeks ago, she calls and says that she will be in chicago for something else, and would like to come see us for a couple of days.....At first my wife is seeming to be okay with it, but then Saturday, before they were even here, she and I get into a huge fight, as she says that my mother is not welcome in our home, and that I have no balls for not telling her exactly how bad she was...and basically that she is contemplating a divorce over this whole thing....which I think is kind of silly. ANYWAY, my parents get here, she proceeds to chew me out several times right in front of them for miniscule things...(EMBARASSING) and then basically ignores them. Well, my mom takes several longish naps while she is here, and my wife is ranting at me, saying she doesn't even know why they bothered to come if all they are going to do is sleep. She tells me, that they are never welcome again in her house....note not "our" house. She also tells me that she can see why I was single for so long, and that perhaps I should be single again. She says that the fact that I invited them out, when she definitively said no, and then refused to confront them afterwards, shows that I am choosing them over her, and that I have violated her trust. She says she does not think our relationship is repairable at this point.

    Any thoughts??? anyone??
    "I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it." John Stuart Mill, 1866

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  2. #2
    Sooper Dooper Moderator!
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    Go into couples therapy. The both of you. Together.

  3. #3
    For president!
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    Either your wife is completely bat-**** insane, or there is another side to this story. I'm hoping it's the latter.

    My initial thoughts (guesses):

    -She's resenting you for bringing your family out and spending time with them instead of with her and the kid.
    -She did not approve of the way your mother was dealing with the kid when she was out here before (hence all the possessive behavior)
    -She has been wronged in the past by a controlling in-law and is projecting those fears.

    I second the couple's therapy suggestion, but it sounds like a conversation on these issues would be a good way to start.
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  4. #4
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    I'm not married, nor have I been in anything resembling a functioning relationship, and we're also getting one side of the story here, but things don't sound right here. She's willing to break up a marriage (with a new baby, correct?) because she sys you won't call your mom out on something that your mom might not necessarily be guilty of? There has to be more going on here, or it sounds that way, anyhow.




    joe
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  5. #5
    Quiet, daddy's drinking
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    First, don't ask for advise from us idjits. Second go to counseling together and find out what she is really pissed about because it isn't your mother.
    Just because you won't listen to reason does not mean I have to listen to idiocy.

    No collusion with the delusion

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  6. #6
    Fini les ecrase-"manets"!
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    I'm going with the "more here than meets the eye" theorists.

    Your mother irritates her, that much is clear. It also seems clear that she's loading it all up with a lot more than just whatever actually irritates her. And now she's putting your marriage on the line over it. I wouldn't be surprised to discover that the marriage thing and the crazy response to your Mom are based on the same thing--something that hasn't come up at all.

    I'm not suggesting malice on her part, but rather that it's easy to latch onto something irrational or unreasonable as a source for one's dissatisfaction with a situation--especially if the real reason is hard to face.

    Counseling seems to make sense to me, and I'd further suggest that if she won't go (which seems likely for some reason), you go anyway. Then at least ONE of you will have made the effort to save both of you from a divorce. You seem a decent guy, and I'm sure you'd like to make the effort if for no other reason than to be sure you did your bit to fix things.
    "jazz gives you large testicles"--aliensporebomb

  7. #7
    Scary Teddy Bear
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    Well

    Quote Originally Posted by SilasCL
    Either your wife is completely bat-**** insane, or there is another side to this story. I'm hoping it's the latter.

    My initial thoughts (guesses):

    -She's resenting you for bringing your family out and spending time with them instead of with her and the kid.
    -She did not approve of the way your mother was dealing with the kid when she was out here before (hence all the possessive behavior)
    -She has been wronged in the past by a controlling in-law and is projecting those fears.

    I second the couple's therapy suggestion, but it sounds like a conversation on these issues would be a good way to start.

    there is some truth to number three. She was married once before and her previous inlaws were pretty controlling and crazy. She thinks my mom is an idiot, because she had some bad financial times with the farm, and won't sell it...(it's her dream, and she loves the horses). I think she's mainly projecting anger that she has towards me on my mom. She's mad at me for inviting her out, and then for not telling her that she blew it and behaved so badly when she was here. She feels that I violated the trust in our relationship by doing that. The crazy thing is, whe's willing to throw everything away. There is an aside here as well, her best friend since childhood is now separated and going through a divorce after 13 years...and they've been talking A LOT. Couple's therapy sounds good, but I don't honestly think she'd go.
    "I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it." John Stuart Mill, 1866

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  8. #8
    Burning Fists of Love
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    yup

    Quote Originally Posted by il sogno
    Go into couples therapy. The both of you. Together.
    +1 on that.
    This old anvil has cracked alot of hammers

  9. #9
    Cat 6
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    Quote Originally Posted by ttug
    +1 on that.
    +1 +1

    Try to work it out over therapy...start there before any other rash decisions. The problem is obviously not your mom napping...there's other issues that need to be aired.

  10. #10
    had it in the ear before
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    I worked w/ a guy that killed his wife and put her in a 20" pipe, welded the cap on and buried it, wouldve never been caught if he'd kept his mouth shut.
    you might as well have gone to Taco Bell and had a Zima while dropping a blotter and snorting Tabasco. OMFG. ~ttug

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by physasst
    there is some truth to number three. She was married once before and her previous inlaws were pretty controlling and crazy. She thinks my mom is an idiot, because she had some bad financial times with the farm, and won't sell it...(it's her dream, and she loves the horses). I think she's mainly projecting anger that she has towards me on my mom. She's mad at me for inviting her out, and then for not telling her that she blew it and behaved so badly when she was here. She feels that I violated the trust in our relationship by doing that. The crazy thing is, whe's willing to throw everything away. There is an aside here as well, her best friend since childhood is now separated and going through a divorce after 13 years...and they've been talking A LOT. Couple's therapy sounds good, but I don't honestly think she'd go.
    Why the hell does your mom have to sleep so much? Is she narcoleptic?

    //kidding....!!!!

    In any event it sounds like your wife doesn't think you're supporting her in this conflict. I don't blame you. I didn't have any relatives to help out when we had our kids and it really sucked. If I had a mother in the house that helped out even a little I'd have worshipped the ground she walked on--not complained she slept too much.
    "I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." -S. Hawking

  12. #12
    Put the seat down!
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    I think you should call Dr. Phil, he'll know what to do...

    http://www.drphil.com/

    Srsly though, you need to get some counseling to get to the root of the problem. I can't see how anyone can seriously expect you to disown your own mother and feel that is an appropriate action.
    "The kneading is to tenderize the head prior to eating it." - MikeBiker

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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by physasst
    There is an aside here as well, her best friend since childhood is now separated and going through a divorce after 13 years...and they've been talking A LOT.
    bad news...the friend is likely pretty jaded towards men and marriage right now and is poisoning your wife's mind against you and your family. Hard situation to be in.
    "I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." -S. Hawking

  14. #14
    Sticky Valentine
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    That's creepy.



    joe
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  15. #15
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    Sounds like some post partum depression related stuff? How new is that baby? I have no idea of the time frame between the visits, but that sounds like the kind of non-sensical stuff women come up with during post partum issues.

    I agree that it seems we're missing some info. Has she always felt this way about your family or is it new? Her demands do not seem very reasonable to me.

    I agree with the counseling for both of you. I seriously hope it is depression that can be cured with some meds. Good luck!

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by hogleg62
    Sounds like some post partum depression related stuff? How new is that baby? I have no idea of the time frame between the visits, but that sounds like the kind of non-sensical stuff women come up with during post partum issues.

    I agree that it seems we're missing some info. Has she always felt this way about your family or is it new? Her demands do not seem very reasonable to me.

    I agree with the counseling for both of you. I seriously hope it is depression that can be cured with some meds. Good luck!
    That is a valid question though I'd imagine Phys would have sussed that angle already if it was a problem given his medical background. My wife had awful PPD with our first kid. It was terrible.
    "I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." -S. Hawking

  17. #17
    For president!
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    I don't know if she's really willing to throw it all away, but she has put it on the table and gotten your attention...right?

    Now it's your turn to straighten things out, starting with a frank discussion of this and you proposing that you do some kind of counseling.
    Formidable Pharmacologically

  18. #18
    Scary Teddy Bear
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    Baby

    Quote Originally Posted by hogleg62
    Sounds like some post partum depression related stuff? How new is that baby? I have no idea of the time frame between the visits, but that sounds like the kind of non-sensical stuff women come up with during post partum issues.

    I agree that it seems we're missing some info. Has she always felt this way about your family or is it new? Her demands do not seem very reasonable to me.

    I agree with the counseling for both of you. I seriously hope it is depression that can be cured with some meds. Good luck!
    is fifteen months old. But she's been more or less mildly depressed for years. Last time I brought that up she went ballistic....she said I was telling her that she was "crazy".
    I love her to death, but she is the most demanding person I know. She expects the house to be immaculate and perfectly clean all the time.......with a fifteen month old. If I get home from work early...rare. If I take a nap, and she finds out, she'll chew my a*s for not cleaning or getting stuff done. I mentioned taking a long drive next weekend to get away, and she said nope, she's got to paint the bedroom, cause it has to get done now. She has little patience for anything or anyone except our daughter. She's constantly, CONSTANTLY nagging me about things.....did you do this, did you do that.....she makes the comment all the time that she has two kids...
    "I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it." John Stuart Mill, 1866

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  19. #19
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    Question #1.....Do you have a crawl space, or a full basement................Just askin'.
    If your opinion differs from mine, ..........Too bad.
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by MR_GRUMPY
    Question #1.....Do you have a crawl space, or a full basement................Just askin'.
    Does she have any dangerous hobbies?
    "I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." -S. Hawking

  21. #21
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    docs don't generally detect ppd

    doctors generally don't detect postpartum depression.
    and if they do, treatment is rarely adequate, due either to the doc not monitoring, etc., or the patient not following the treatment, or both.

    postpartum depression happens in, conservatively, 10% of women after giving birth, usually the bad type appears in the few months after the baby is born (some 'baby blues' in the weeks following birth is more common, and kind of runs its course).

    if a woman had ppd before, she is at greater likelihood of having it with the next birth.

    along with all of that basic info, i agree that it would be bad to have her talking with some other woman who is not happy with the male species right now.

  22. #22
    Put the seat down!
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    Quote Originally Posted by physasst
    is fifteen months old. But she's been more or less mildly depressed for years. Last time I brought that up she went ballistic....she said I was telling her that she was "crazy".
    I love her to death, but she is the most demanding person I know. She expects the house to be immaculate and perfectly clean all the time.......with a fifteen month old. If I get home from work early...rare. If I take a nap, and she finds out, she'll chew my a*s for not cleaning or getting stuff done. I mentioned taking a long drive next weekend to get away, and she said nope, she's got to paint the bedroom, cause it has to get done now. She has little patience for anything or anyone except our daughter. She's constantly, CONSTANTLY nagging me about things.....did you do this, did you do that.....she makes the comment all the time that she has two kids...

    dang, phys, no offense but I'd have a really hard time functioning in that environment. It sounds to me like your wife needs to change some things if this marriage is going to last long-term. Good luck, I hope she puts in as much effort as I think you will to work this out.
    "The kneading is to tenderize the head prior to eating it." - MikeBiker

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  23. #23
    your text here
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    personally, i dont see the good in couples counseling. if someone is unhappy, chances are there are several reasons. couples counseling is just having a mediator talk couples off the ledge by having them "think of the children." but thats just me.

    i agree that your mom aint the deal breaker. gots to be more than that. are you leaving your socks on the floor? i know that women CANT STAND that. what is so hard to understand that i want my socks off, and i want them off now? (i stuff them in a pair of shoes to keep them outta the way now.)

    are you doin anything to help with the kids? the house? stuff like that. too much time on the bike? my wife has selective memory as well. i can pretty much set the entire scene, including what lead up to conversations. this took a few years to master, but now i can rattle off supporting evidence to prove the conversation took place. it extinguishes the argument, but she has not gotten any better. last night was a prime example...

    explain to her at least your folks arent barging in every other weekend, like my good for nothing inlaws. and wouldnt you rather have them do nothing than screw something up? when mine are in town or i am dragged to their place i alsways have something to do. when they show up and just pile out, i get a ride in, grocery shop, get teh brakes done, run for president. whatever it takes. i probably spend 70% of the time they are here in the kitchen. it keeps me away from them. maybe thats all she needs, time away from them.

    let her and her divorced friend go see a movie together. just let her go out drinking with her while your folks are in town..
    I don't normally "do people." - Dr. Roebuck

  24. #24
    GIMME MY BIKE!
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    Quote Originally Posted by physasst
    Couple's therapy sounds good, but I don't honestly think she'd go.
    I'm not married, but that seems like a red flag right there. If she refuses to go to therapy to try to make the relationship work, then she's not interested in it working and has probably already divorced you in her own head.

    Sorry for your troubles, I hope you two can work it out.

  25. #25
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    If you don't think she will go to therapy, then that's a pretty bad sign. Sadly, there's all kinds of bad signs going on.

    If there is one lesson to be learned, it's that if there is a next time with your mom, you HAVE to tell her to stay in a motel. Pay for it if you must. You can't allow your mom to piss off and antagonize your wife, even if she doesn't do it purposely. You have to stick up for your wife. You don't live with your mom.

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