Picture and a quote friday
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  1. #1
    flinty-eyed moderator
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    Picture and a quote friday

    He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
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    Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

  2. #2
    flinty-eyed moderator
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    Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
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    Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

  3. #3
    Back from the dead
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    One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein."
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  4. #4
    flinty-eyed moderator
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    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
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    Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

  5. #5
    flinty-eyed moderator
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    It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
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    Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

  6. #6
    Banned forever.....or not
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    This one should have been titled "You eated my pizza?"
    If your opinion differs from mine, ..........Too bad.
    .
    How would you like it if Hitler killed you
    Dogbert.

    I>U

    Buying parts to hang on your bike is always easier than getting fit.

    If you feel wimpy and weak, get out and train more, ya wee lassie!

    If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today!

  7. #7
    i like whiskey
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    A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!


  8. #8
    Banned forever.....or not
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    Wimmin's just can't get enough of me. I don't understand, but they must think that I'm some sort of "boy-toy", and that they can have their way with me. Not once do they want to listen to what I have to say. They all think that I'm just a pretty face.
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    If your opinion differs from mine, ..........Too bad.
    .
    How would you like it if Hitler killed you
    Dogbert.

    I>U

    Buying parts to hang on your bike is always easier than getting fit.

    If you feel wimpy and weak, get out and train more, ya wee lassie!

    If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today!

  9. #9
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    I LIKE MONKEYS
    I like monkeys.

    The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
    odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
    look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

    I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
    name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
    bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
    Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

    I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
    environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
    high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
    spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
    they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
    Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
    cheap monkeys.

    I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
    room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
    like I had 200 throw rugs.

    I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
    Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

    I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
    a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
    bad.

    I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
    to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
    there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
    them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
    it didn't all go bad.

    I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
    extinguish the fire.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
    my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
    wasn't improving.

    I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
    bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

    I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
    allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
    one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
    frozen ones.

    I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
    friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
    them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
    the genitals.

    I like monkeys


    DFL>DNF>DNS ™

    By the time you get home you won't remember why you didn't want to get off the couch.
    ---Val Garou

  10. #10
    flinty-eyed moderator
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    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
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    Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

  11. #11
    Mess O'Potamist
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    "I know that a life of crime led me to this sorry fate. And yet, I blame society -- society made me what I am."

    "That's bullshit. You're a white suburban punk, just like me."





  12. #12
    Always changing.....
    Reputation: lot8con8's Avatar
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    Come on 4:30
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  13. #13
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    They say that before you judge a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you're a mile away...and you have his shoes
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  14. #14
    Spicy Dumpling
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    It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
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    If I were to beat you senseless with a tire iron, what color would you bleed?..The Missus

  15. #15
    Who needs a map?
    Reputation: nonsleepingjon's Avatar
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    Nobody can eat 50 eggs!!!
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    "If we're to be honest with ourselves, achieving the end of the exercise was never the point of the exercise, was it?"
    ~Adam Savage

  16. #16
    Diphthong
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    I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

    I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

    I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of $hit, man.

  17. #17
    Resident Dutchbag
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    “Let a man find himself, in distinction from others, on top of two wheels with a chain -- at least in a poor country like Russia -- and his vanity begins to swell out like his tires. In America it takes an automobile to produce this effect.”

    Originally posted by thatsmybush:
    I can only speak for my self, but if Fergie wanted to rub her lovely lady lumps on me, I could play the role of "human stripper pole."

  18. #18
    Shirtcocker
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bulldozer
    I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

    One of my favorite comics...my oldest son's middle name is Calvin--named after him.
    "I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." -S. Hawking

  19. #19
    Banned forever.....or not
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    Give a man money, and he will eat for a day.
    Teach a man to steal, and he'll take someone else's money every day.
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    If your opinion differs from mine, ..........Too bad.
    .
    How would you like it if Hitler killed you
    Dogbert.

    I>U

    Buying parts to hang on your bike is always easier than getting fit.

    If you feel wimpy and weak, get out and train more, ya wee lassie!

    If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today!

  20. #20

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    Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
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    The other hobby: pl8ster.net
    --------------
    The bikes: 1996 Klein Pulse Comp MTB
    Fuji road frame w/random parts • 2005 Airborne Thunderbolt

  21. #21
    It's all ball bearings
    Reputation: BenWA's Avatar
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    PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN. Coffee is for closers only. You think that I am ****ing with you? Let me tell you something. I am not ****ing with you.


  22. #22
    flinty-eyed moderator
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    I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
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    Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

  23. #23
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    “I don't need to be made to look evil. I can do that on my own.”
    DFL>DNF>DNS ™

    By the time you get home you won't remember why you didn't want to get off the couch.
    ---Val Garou

  24. #24
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    And we'd laugh! And we'd laugh! And we'd laugh! Oh, we'd take pop-shots at the passing cars, and we'd laugh! Oh we were dumping the body and we'd laugh. We found the place that was dark and rotton. A place where the helicopters would never spot it. I destroyed the map that we so carefully dotted. Every day we're dumping a body, she and me. Every single day. And we'd laugh about it!
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  25. #25
    Jerkhard Sirdribbledick
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    This time it's personal ...

    “The riders of today may be justly proud of their instruments.”

    —The Field, 1873

    /Names have been hidden to protect the guilty.
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    "He groaned when we hung the rope over the tree but was relieved to see the white pinata."
    -- Gut
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