Three feet, four feet tall, dressed in a red sweatshirt and jeans and shoes like a pe
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  1. #1
    2 busy workin' 2 hang out
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    Three feet, four feet tall, dressed in a red sweatshirt and jeans and shoes like a pe

    I'd suggest listening to this here rather than reading it if you can.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Cop
    It is August. I remember it being really hot and thunderstorming. And the sun had just gone down. And the call came over for auto accident, van overturned, possible injuries at scene. So I arrive, there's a lot of people in the street, there are some fire trucks there already, and there's a van on its side. And standing next to the van is a man, late 50s, kind of disheveled. I guess he just rolled around in a van.

    And then standing next to the man at his hip and holding his hand was a chimpanzee. Three feet, four feet tall, dressed in a red sweatshirt and jeans and shoes like a person. And they're standing there and being yelled at by the homeowner whose lawn the van came to rest on. They had knocked over fire hydrants. They had damaged his lawn and some trees. So it was a little bit chaotic scene-- lots of lights, lots of people. And I thought this was going to be pretty good show.

    Ira Glass
    After ascertaining that nobody was injured at the scene, the cop, whose name is [? Sean, ?] goes over to the officer who's taken charge of this situation and listens to him interviewing the driver of the van. It seems that the driver of the van has this business where he dress the chimp up and goes out to birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs and the chimp performs. And they had been coming home from a gig just like that. The man's driving, the chimp's in the passenger seat, wearing a seat belt, just like a passenger.

    Cop
    And there's lightning and thunder from these storms and the chimpanzee gets a little rattled. And then they have a close lightning strike. Crack. Big, loud boom. And the chimpanzee gets very frightened and comes out of the seat, grabs the driver and yanks him out of the driver's seat and just throws him to the back of the van.

    Ira Glass
    [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

    Cop
    Yeah. So then he took the wheel. The chimpanzee was standing between the two seats and is taking the wheel. The man said he was doing really well and then he lost control of the van. And I'm like, the chimpanzee lost control of the van? At what point was the chimpanzee really in charge of this thing? But though he described was, "listen, it's not my fault. The chimpanzee had the accident."

    Ira Glass
    So the officer in charge explains to this guy that from the point of view of the law, he was the driver, not the chimp. And he's the one who is going to get charged and the guy's not too happy about that. He leaves the chimp with [? Sean, ?] holding [? Sean's ?] hand, and he walks over to the squad car to sit for a minute inside, just to rest. And the officer in charge notices the guy seems sort of unsteady on his feet.

    And he tells the guy he wants to bring him into the station for a breathalyzer test. This all happened 20 years ago. They couldn't do those kinds of things right there on the side of the road. And the guy starts to raise his voice a little. And the officer in charge just a little testy. It starts to get a little personal between them. The officer informs him that no, he is under arrest until they do this alcohol test. And the guy gets even hotter.

    Cop
    Then he raises his voice and he gets upset and he starts to yell. "This is [BLEEP]. I'm not going to do this. My chimpanzee could be hurt." Blah blah blah. So everybody turns and faces him and the chimpanzee, now his master, is upset. And he's being threatened. And from the back of the crowd, somebody goes, "A chimpanzee can tear a man apart with his bare hands," just from out of the crowd.

    Ira Glass
    What?

    Cop
    Yeah. "A chimpanzee. Look out for the chimpanzee. It could tear a man apart with its bare hands."

    Very quickly, the chimpanzee pulls his hand out from my hand and walks pretty forcefully through some people to the back of the car and stands-- squats, rather-- right in front of his owner in the back of the police car with the door open. And we ask the guy, what's the best way to secure him and what can you tell him to make sure that he's OK with this? And the guy's like, "look, nothing. I have never been away from this animal. We've never really been separated. He's not going to react well to this. He could get very excited." And now everybody but myself and the other cop are walking backwards with an eye on the chimp.

    When they put the handcuffs on, he was saying, "She is not going to like that. She is not going to like that." And I think the tone of his voice, the chimpanzee started to really not like that. And he turned to display to the chimpanzee that he was in handcuffs.

    Ira Glass
    So at this point, the officer in charge asks [? Sean ?] to get emergency services on the radio. They are the ones who have been trained to get an animal under control. And if all else fails, they have a tranquilizer gun.

    Cop
    So I changed radio frequencies, get them on the air. "Yeah, can you respond up here?" And they're like, "Well, what kind of job is it?" They have all sorts of different tools in the truck and they need to know what to be prepared for too. And I said, "Well, we have a possible DWI, auto accident, and we need you to secure a chimpanzee." And there's just dead silence. And then they just go, no. Because they know me and I think I'm goofing around with them.

    Ira Glass
    He tries again on a land line-- this is before the age of cell phones-- and they hang up again. He has his dispatcher try from the police station's phone. Still no. So now Sean and the other officers on the scene are in this situation where they really have no map at all for what they're supposed to do. It's like a lot of police work, Sean says. You just make it up you go along. You have to. And now the guy's in handcuffs in the back of the squad car.

    Cop
    And the chimpanzee is angry now and kind of bouncing around and shrieking, like chimpanzees-- like Daktari, if you remember the Daktari-- shrieking and running back and forth. And people are running away from the chimpanzee. And I go to the cop, "Look, they're not coming. And you what are you going to do, set this chimp loose on this village?" It could happen. Something could happen. We could end up having to shoot a chimpanzee dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans with shoes on-- a pet-- in a village in front of a hundred people because we think that this guy may have had something to drink. It's a lose-lose, no matter what happens.

    So he was reluctant because I think he had gotten into a little bit personally with the driver. You know, "You're under arrest and I say you're under arrest." So in the interest of justice and maintaining order, we both kind of decided we're going to un-arrest the guy. Poof, you're un-arrested.

    Ira Glass
    So they uncuffred the guy and he calms the chimpanzee down. And they're putting him into a car that's going to take him home.

    Cop
    At which point the chimpanzee goes back to the other officer's car, who he didn't like. Opens the door, climbs inside. Underneath his jeans, he has a diaper on. So he takes his diaper off inside the back of the police car where his owner had been. And he smears the diaper all over the inside of the car in full view of the crowd. And it's like purposeful salute from this chimpanzee to the cop.

    Ira Glass
    The cop is furious but can do nothing. He's un-arrested somebody that he's arrested. That never happens. A chimpanzee got the last word on a cop. That never happens. The world is upside down. But [? Sean ?] says, what are you going to do? Police work is improvisation. You're put in situations. You have to do something.

    Cop
    You're the police. You can't just go home. The people, it's what they're paying you for. So you make it up as you're going along, mostly.

    Transcript | This American Life
    Last edited by Henry Porter; 04-18-2012 at 07:55 PM. Reason: I damn well felt like it
    Dictated but not read.

  2. #2
    2 busy workin' 2 hang out
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    Dictated but not read.

  3. #3
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    I would rep you if I weren't using Tapatalk.
    Formerly Gripped. Now new and improved.

  4. #4
    RoadBikeReview Member
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    I would have shot the fulken chimp! Of course that would be after I handcuffed the drunken jerk to take him for his breath test that he'll fail. If someone could not get there in time with a tranquilizer and that monkey starts going ape, the city would not want the liability from the injuries that ape could do, so I would have shot it to protect the citizens. An ape out of control can do a lot more damage then a pit bull and in a lot of cities the cops have the right to shoot a pit bull, so why not a dangerious ape? And shooting the ape would be cheaper even if the owner, which I'm sure he would, sue for killing his "friend" then it would be to settle a bunch of lawsuits from injured and maybe killed citizens.

  5. #5
    Boobies!
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    Awesome! Especially the last act by the chimp...
    Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity
    -Hanlon's Razor

  6. #6
    half-fast
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    There are already so many reasons why I wouldn't want to be a cop.

    I never thought that an altercation with the birthday chimp and his driver would be added to that list.

  7. #7
    Frog Whisperer
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    that was great!
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  8. #8
    is super good looking.
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    This story had EVERYTHING!

  9. #9
    Frog Whisperer
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    Quote Originally Posted by BWWpat View Post
    This story had EVERYTHING!
    lol.....it held MY interest!


    btw....I've said it before and this is a good time to repeat it again



    monkeys do NOT make good pets!
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  10. #10
    Frog Whisperer
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    Quote Originally Posted by 10ae1203 View Post
    There are already so many reasons why I wouldn't want to be a cop.

    I never thought that an altercation with the birthday chimp and his driver would be added to that list.
    but wait........which "chimp" are we talking about, the monkey was driving....LOL
    Of course I'm sure...that doesn't mean I'm right.....

    "There's no sense being stupid unless you show it."

  11. #11
    Le MisÚrable
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    Has anyone ever tl;dr'd their own thread?? Am I drunker than I think I am?

    ///aweseom. happy i clicked.
    C'est dommage que je sois un ignorant, car je vous citerais une foule de choses ; mais je ne sais rien.

    --Hugo

    Living in France, le blog

  12. #12

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